Domestic Abuse - The Signs

Some people try to make a doomed relationship work for the sake of their children.This is neither helpful to the parents or children involved and has been known to exacerbate situations, in very severe cases even resulting in fatalities.

How to Recognise An Unhealthy Relationship

The 4 Warning Signs

1. Jealous and possessive: isolation from friends and family/rifles through belongings/wants you to drop friends esp of same sex as your partner/expects all time to be spent with only them
2. Controlling: Calls and texts constantly/visits work or school/checks milage on car/bossy/gives orders/makes all decisions/discounts feelings/makes you feel trapped or crazy/blames you for problems in their life and claims they are your fault/withholds approval/namecalling and degrading
3. Hypersensitive and Explosive: Unpredictable bursts of anger/fel like your walking on eggshells/family and friends concerned for your safety
4. Threatening and Violent: breaks or destroys objects, esp of value to you/garbs, pushes, shoves, slaps, shakes, kicks, punches and chokes you/pressures you for sex

 Unhealthy Relationships - You May End Up...

• Feeling pressure to change yourself in order to meet partner's standards
• Afraid to disagree with anything they say or do
• Justifying what you do and who you see constantly
• Feeling unheard or unable to communicate
• Making excuses for your partner's behaviour
• Becoming isolated from family and friends
• Feeling stifled or trapped in relationship
• Caring only for your partner and neglecting yourself

You May Be Facing

• Constant criticism
• Your partner making all the decisions
• Them controlling everything
• Never being listened to
• Taking the blame for bad things/events in their life
• Being called names or yelled at
• Forced or pressured into sexual acts

Healthy Relationships Mean Both Partners...

• Are loving and respecting, 
• Take care of each other as well as themself
• Respect individuality, embracing differences and allowing each other to be their own person
• Do activities with each others' family /friends as well as doing independent activities
• Have discussions, allowing opinions and reaching compromises
• Practice expressing and listening to feelings needs and desires
• Have strong trust in each other
• Can listen without judgement
• Are always honest
• Take responsibility for their own actions and feelings
• Respect privacy and allow each other personal space and time
• Practice safe sex (unless they both agreed to trying for a baby)
• Set sexual boundaries and offer physical space
• Are able to discuss anything they are uncomfortable with sexually
• Do their best to resolve conflicts peacefully and nonviolently
• Share decisions about things affecting both partners
• Encourage positive personal growth and learning about each other

M.O.M Comments...
You may also notice your partner looking over your shoulder, constantly asking who you are texting or talking to. They may demand explanations when seeing a member of the same sex as them, be suspicious that you are cheating on them with no reasonable evidence or even threaten to take away your basic human rights - such as telling you not to speak, telling you who they decide you are 'allowed' to see and when, taking away food/water/shelter/clean clothes and bed sheets/money. 

They can threaten to stop you seeing your own children with no lawful reason or right, and give threats if you do not do as they tell you. They may become jealous of you seeing friends and family, claiming that they always come before them and they are only 'second best'. They could manipulate you into doing things you don't want to, making you feel guilty for something you have no control over or putting you down for example for taking too long to get ready to go out. They could punish you by withholding physical contact until they are happy with you again, holding back sex and loving gestures.

They may put harmful and addictive behaviours before the needs of you and your family: gambling, drinking, taking drugs or having unprotected sex with other people.

Do not feel you have to stay with this person even if you love them. If they are a threat to you or your children, it might be time to ask for help or think about how their behaviour is affecting your life - have you become more withdrawn, agitated or distanced yourself from friends and family? Do you feel the need to ask your partner's permission if you want to go out? Are they always complaining when you spend your own money (when this does not affect them for example through bills)? Do they make you feel humiliated in public, talk down to you or make you feel that all your hobbies are now worthless to you as they are to him/her?

Please speak to someone. Anyone. If you are threatened, there are ways of contacting people without leaving them any clues. Go to a free counselor, or use a payphone to seek help. You may be making excuses for their behaviour already; maybe they had a troubled childhood or a tough time at work. Whatever the reason, abuse is never justified. Plenty of people are willing to change and seek help, whilst most find ways to help themselves in a productive way after suffering hardships. You probably worry about losing your home, money, nuclear family and can't imagine being with anyone but them. You might even believe that nobody else would ever want you, or that any relationship is doomed as you can't trust anyone ever again.

However it affects you, it is important to get advice from someone outside the relationship. 
  
Help Lines...

Refuge www.refuge.org.uk 0808 2000 247
Childline www.childline.org.uk 0800 1111
Youth2Youth www.youth2youth.co.uk 020 8896 3675
Support Line www.supportline.org.uk 020 8554 9004
Broken Rainbow (LGBT) www.broken-rainbow.org.uk 0300 999 5428
The Site www.thesite.org  

Sources
Fenland Outreach Service Leaflet