Domestic Abuse - The Signs

Some people try to make a doomed relationship work for the sake of their children.This is neither helpful to the parents or children involved and has been known to exacerbate situations, in very severe cases even resulting in fatalities.

How to Recognise An Unhealthy Relationship

The 4 Warning Signs

1. Jealous and possessive: isolation from friends and family/rifles through belongings/wants you to drop friends esp of same sex as your partner/expects all time to be spent with only them
2. Controlling: Calls and texts constantly/visits work or school/checks milage on car/bossy/gives orders/makes all decisions/discounts feelings/makes you feel trapped or crazy/blames you for problems in their life and claims they are your fault/withholds approval/namecalling and degrading
3. Hypersensitive and Explosive: Unpredictable bursts of anger/fel like your walking on eggshells/family and friends concerned for your safety
4. Threatening and Violent: breaks or destroys objects, esp of value to you/garbs, pushes, shoves, slaps, shakes, kicks, punches and chokes you/pressures you for sex

 Unhealthy Relationships - You May End Up...

• Feeling pressure to change yourself in order to meet partner's standards
• Afraid to disagree with anything they say or do
• Justifying what you do and who you see constantly
• Feeling unheard or unable to communicate
• Making excuses for your partner's behaviour
• Becoming isolated from family and friends
• Feeling stifled or trapped in relationship
• Caring only for your partner and neglecting yourself

You May Be Facing

• Constant criticism
• Your partner making all the decisions
• Them controlling everything
• Never being listened to
• Taking the blame for bad things/events in their life
• Being called names or yelled at
• Forced or pressured into sexual acts

Healthy Relationships Mean Both Partners...

• Are loving and respecting, 
• Take care of each other as well as themself
• Respect individuality, embracing differences and allowing each other to be their own person
• Do activities with each others' family /friends as well as doing independent activities
• Have discussions, allowing opinions and reaching compromises
• Practice expressing and listening to feelings needs and desires
• Have strong trust in each other
• Can listen without judgement
• Are always honest
• Take responsibility for their own actions and feelings
• Respect privacy and allow each other personal space and time
• Practice safe sex (unless they both agreed to trying for a baby)
• Set sexual boundaries and offer physical space
• Are able to discuss anything they are uncomfortable with sexually
• Do their best to resolve conflicts peacefully and nonviolently
• Share decisions about things affecting both partners
• Encourage positive personal growth and learning about each other

M.O.M Comments...
You may also notice your partner looking over your shoulder, constantly asking who you are texting or talking to. They may demand explanations when seeing a member of the same sex as them, be suspicious that you are cheating on them with no reasonable evidence or even threaten to take away your basic human rights - such as telling you not to speak, telling you who they decide you are 'allowed' to see and when, taking away food/water/shelter/clean clothes and bed sheets/money. 

They can threaten to stop you seeing your own children with no lawful reason or right, and give threats if you do not do as they tell you. They may become jealous of you seeing friends and family, claiming that they always come before them and they are only 'second best'. They could manipulate you into doing things you don't want to, making you feel guilty for something you have no control over or putting you down for example for taking too long to get ready to go out. They could punish you by withholding physical contact until they are happy with you again, holding back sex and loving gestures.

They may put harmful and addictive behaviours before the needs of you and your family: gambling, drinking, taking drugs or having unprotected sex with other people.

Do not feel you have to stay with this person even if you love them. If they are a threat to you or your children, it might be time to ask for help or think about how their behaviour is affecting your life - have you become more withdrawn, agitated or distanced yourself from friends and family? Do you feel the need to ask your partner's permission if you want to go out? Are they always complaining when you spend your own money (when this does not affect them for example through bills)? Do they make you feel humiliated in public, talk down to you or make you feel that all your hobbies are now worthless to you as they are to him/her?

Please speak to someone. Anyone. If you are threatened, there are ways of contacting people without leaving them any clues. Go to a free counselor, or use a payphone to seek help. You may be making excuses for their behaviour already; maybe they had a troubled childhood or a tough time at work. Whatever the reason, abuse is never justified. Plenty of people are willing to change and seek help, whilst most find ways to help themselves in a productive way after suffering hardships. You probably worry about losing your home, money, nuclear family and can't imagine being with anyone but them. You might even believe that nobody else would ever want you, or that any relationship is doomed as you can't trust anyone ever again.

However it affects you, it is important to get advice from someone outside the relationship. 
  
Help Lines...

Refuge www.refuge.org.uk 0808 2000 247
Childline www.childline.org.uk 0800 1111
Youth2Youth www.youth2youth.co.uk 020 8896 3675
Support Line www.supportline.org.uk 020 8554 9004
Broken Rainbow (LGBT) www.broken-rainbow.org.uk 0300 999 5428
The Site www.thesite.org  

Sources
Fenland Outreach Service Leaflet 

Hot Topic of The Day - Fraud: How They Take Our Money (Source: ITV 9pm)

The British public spend about £1.6bn a day, with most people using online banking. Through spam email, data hacking and spyware, gangs steal approximately £1.3m a day. In the past year £100,000 has been stolen from Barclays customers.

Specialist police tackle this growing crime. The Dark Web is the main threat. Software encrypts users ID. One website deals in credit or debit cards, sold for $6 / £5. Anyone's credit card can be used and a whole package of details are available to buy. Just 6 months into 2015, £14m was lost, with benefit fraud increased by 90%. Police warn that thousands of pounds can be lost in an hour.

London detectives investigated a man after photos were found on a computer at work. The owner had not realised that whilst charging his phone, the photos would upload - showing card details. After 3 days detectives the investigation led to a London University. As the man was not caught using the details for fraud, he was given a police caution was given for buying details online.

Mr Posh 

 

Everyday Mr. Posh calls banks as diff customers and makes 30-40 calls/ day. He is referred to as a 'master of disguise and accents', pretending to be a woman or pensioner. He even took over an account of Asian business man.  

Claiming to be from an official agency, he collects information from customers he already called earlier that day. Their details are used to clear security questions from banks. Until his victims discover the fraud, he is free to keep taking out money. When failing to get facts right, he calls people at home for details such as their address and DOB, then calls the bank back with details. An elderly man had £8-10,000 stolen, and was eventually reimbursed by Barclay-card. He said he recognised 'Vicky' calling him back.

A recording of Mr. Posh was played over to a widower whose voice he impersonated to steal £3,500. She doesn't know how he has all her information and is frightened. Voice comparison is not enough to arrest him. 

How He Tricks

Yorkshire farmers were told by the caller that they operated from the main bank section department, 'fraud on business account' and convinced them to keep their savings in a secure account for 24 hours, after which the money would be transferred back. The couple were suspicious. After hearing the caller hang up and the dial tone sound, the husband tried to call the bank. 

Derek was convinced he was through to Lloyds bank - but the caller had not hung up, and used a recording. The couple then moved all their money into account after being told their personal account would also be compromised (current, saving, ISER). The couple never thought it wasn't genuine and were left with just £10.  It took over a year and help from their MP for Lloyds to reimburse money, at first refusing the refund as the transaction was authorised.

Body Modification : The Jeremy Kyle Show

My boyfriend had his ears removed to look like a parrot!

Just over 4 weeks ago Suzy's boyfriend, Ted Richards (56 years old) had his ears removed to look like his pet parrot. His outer ear has been removed. He does not know why. Pins were inserted into the top of his ears to hold his glasses in place.

Ted and his pet parrot Tikka (The Mirror)

Suzy: A body modification is any change to your body: nails painted, hair colouring, ear piercing, tongue-splitting. Her boyfriend later also states that "Some people get botox." He feels he is dedicating his life to parrots with a long lifespan. To him they are his children. I would understand people would find this quite strange. 

Suzy says "I get called freak and stuff and I've only got my tongue split."

When asked how the procedure was done, Suzy replies: It was cut with a scalpel. Her boyfriend wants to change his nose into a beak. Suzy does not think this is over the top or is worried about his bm escalating. JK asked her about local's reactions. She replied:

"I live in a little village full of old people so I probably scare them. If you're really nice to people you surprise them. If people wanna judge you then they will judge you."

Her boyfriend began modifications in August 2014 - so far he has removable horns implanted in his head, stars under the skin in his head, and his ears and whites of his are eyes tattooed. He says if they could move his eyes to the sides of his head he would - to look more like a parrot.

 Ted's Removed Ears (The Mirror)

Jeremy ask him: Why?

"I've always wanted to do heavy Body Modification because I'm seeing someone from abroad that's done this sort of thing. I couldn't do tattoos years ago because of a relationship. To me, I've had letters from people that I changed their life because they wanted to do something."

Commenting on turning his beak into a nose, he states "It's only a bit of cartilage innit" He doesn't care about criticism. "Everybody's got their own opinions." As long as he is happy critics do not bother him. One of his party tricks is picking up magnets wit his body, saying this gets him pints on lads nights out. Another party trick is lying his parrot upside down on his head.

 

Image of Suzy and Ted (The Mirror)

When Jeremy first read their story he says he thought: "No way! My God that's freaky!"

But meeting him says: "You are what you are. The parrots are your life."

He says to Jeremy he calls the parrots his children as to him that's what they are. They sleep in his bed with him.

JK: I have to say fairplay.

Sources

The Jeremy Kyle Show (available online)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sQYoEGOjLJw

http://www.mirror.co.uk/news/weird-news/animal-lover-more-100-tattoos-6643757

My Zen Space: The 10 Rules of Zen

The Food Debate

 Food is a popular topic at the moment - with obesity on the rise, we are warned that an unbalanced diet can lead to health issues and even lower overall happiness and impact mental health. Whilst it's true that eating healthily is important, we don't believe that you have to take it too seriously - you can still have treats whilst being good to your body. That said, we regularly have debates about diet, and discuss this so often we thought we should probably blog about it. These are just some of the topics we have regular chats about:

1.  Vegan vs Veggie - Ethics, Impact on Health
   
2.  Veggie vs Meat - Pros and cons
3.  Veggie Meat - Why the taste is so important
4.  Religion and Diet - Are methods of killing animals really unethical?
5.  Ethical Killing - Is It Ever Truly Cruelty-Free?
6.  Population - Effect on Food Demand
7.  Wasting Food - The Western World and hunter-gathering
8.  Importing - A good thing, or not so much?
9.  Ethics of Imported Meat - Animal rights law in different countries
10.  Trying to go Veggie - How, why and when to try
11.  Trying to go Vegan  - How, why and when to try
12.  Health Pros and Cons to Diet (meat/veggie/vegan)
13.  Foods to Avoid Whilst Pregnant - The toughies of the challege
14.  Pregnancy and Meat - Do you need to stop being Vegan/Veggie?
15.  Kids and Meat - To Veggie or Not to Veggie?

Keep an eye out for these topics soon to be covered - we will try to do one a day, each will have its own post and we will give both sides to the argument, including our views and sources to back them up. Read on for more soon to come...

Before Mini-Me

Thinking back now, it is hard to even imagine a time when I was without my Mini-Me - living with my parents, going out with my friends and wondering what I was going to do with my life.

Getting My Life 'On Track'...

Since last year I have moved 3 times, not including my week-long stay in hospital just after giving birth. I have lived in the city with my parents, in a small village with my partner's parents and eventually my partner and I got on our feet enough to sort out our own place. We had help from the council for the start up costs, and now live happily in a 2 bedroom house with a decent sized garden, just up the road from his parents. We knew it was the right place from the get-go: It had everything we were looking for in our forever-home and Mini-Me loved it too, smiling up at the ceilings and wriggling in excitement at the prospect of her own room.

A couple of years ago, I never would have imagined myself living with my partner in our own home with a 6-month baby - our baby! My plans were to go to Uni, study Animal Science and Welfare and go on to work at a zoo, wildlife park or exotic vet's. I thought that by about 25 I would be family-planning, after moving out with my partner and getting engaged, if not married before embarking on the next chapter of my life. Little did I know that at 21 I would have my first child and live with two families before finding our own family home. 

Priorities...

My no. 1 priority was Me - no one else. I knew what I wanted and how to strive for it. 

Since having Mini-Me, my priorities have done several shuffles, firstly moving myself even higher up the list as I was the most important person in the world - I was pregnant and had a massive responsibility to look after my body for my baby. Priority 2 was my relationship - I didn't want to be a single Mum and desperately craved the 'perfect relationship' - to play happy families and achieve the domestic dream. My 3rd priority was extended family - I needed their support and wanted them to be involved in my daughter's life. Tying 3rd, getting my own place was mandatory - I couldn't go on living in 'the box room' - a single room just large enough for my single bed, small wardrobe with 3 drawers, a two-tier bookshelf and tiny side table I used as my bedside table. 

The final priority was the biggie - money. Where would my income be coming from? I wasn't entitled to a lot of benefits as even though we weren't married or living together, my partner had a full time job and he was expected to support me with anything me and developing Mini-Me needed. I still feel that this was unfair - as I didn't work before I was pregnant, I had literally nothing but the small allowance my parents supplied me with on a weekly basis.

Of course, my partner has always supported me, but it's not the same as having your own money. I needed independence, to feel that I was the one providing for my little one. I hated being so reliant on everyone else, asking my Mum if I could pay her back when I wanted to buy more baby items than I could afford, and gazing at the beautiful baby presents I had been given by family and friends. I had been caught out , and didn't expect the strong feeling of resentment to anyone providing more than I was to my baby. It seemed like well-meaning family were taking over my duties as a Mother - I just wasn't good enough.

Oh How Life Has Changed...

Reading these words, I have since realised that a lot of these feelings were down to raging hormones. After having Mini-Me we were more desperate for support than ever - I became incredibly depressed right after birth and there were concerns that I could not cope in hospital, so my partner came and stayed nights to help with feeds so I could catch up on sleep. Both our families were brilliant - providing teeny tiny clothes for our small baby (she was shockingly tiny for being almost exactly a week overdue), visiting us every day in hospital and baby-sitting so that my partner and I could have that much-needed shower. It was December and we were wearing shorts and t-shirts, the hospital was so hot.

Anyways, to get back to my main point - my life has changed so dramatically over the course of my pregnancy, bringing even more revelations after my daughter was born. I was betrayed by one of my best friends, who was only interested in me because she wanted a baby herself, and I found that a lot of my 'close friends' just wanted to live the fast life and didn't have time for me anymore. They still wanted me to go out partying with them, and couldn't understand why I was so upset that they didn't want to talk about baby-related things. 

My life had permanently changed. The old me is virtually unrecongisable: she was a terrible flirt, with a different boyfriend every few months if not changing over more frequently. She didn't get on with her parents, she loved partying and hated staying at home. How my life has changed... I feel naked cycling without a helmet and my main link to the outside world, including friends, is facebook. Text and phonecalls are also so helpful and on more days than not this is the only way I socialise with my old friends - and new ones. I can't imagine being in a relationship with anyone but my partner, and it seems like we have been in our own home for years - we are settled and everything has fallen into place.

Leftover Menu: Italian style chicken

This is a delicious Mediterranean-inspired dish and can be eaten on its own or with extras such as garlic bread or salad.

About 40 minutes to create

Ingredients:
2 Chicken Breasts 
Large dollop of Sunflower/Olive oil
1/2 Onion
1/2 Yellow Pepper
1/2 Red Pepper
1 courgette
1 cup Ragu Vegetable Sauce or Penne
Salt (pinch)
Dried Red and Black Pepper (pinch)
Dried Basil (pinch)
Cayenne Pepper (pinch)
Paprika (pinch)
2 Sprigs of Fresh parsley (optional)

You Will Need:
Large frying pan
Spatula
Chopping board
Sharp knife
Food scissors
Cup measure

Recipe:

1. Using food scissors or a knife, chop the chicken breasts into goujons (small chunks)
2. Heat a large splash of oil in frying pan on medium high heat
3. When oil is hot (a sprinkle of water fizzes on the pan) add chicken goujons 
4. Turn down to medium heat and leave chicken to cook for about 20 minutes, stirring occasionally
5. Whilst chicken is cooking, chop the peppers into strips and halve these
6. Chop the courgette into rounds and the onion into tiny pieces
7. After about 20 minutes, add all the vegetables and onion to the frying pan  and another splash of oil
8. Add pinches of cayenne pepper, red and black pepper, paprika, basil and salt
9. After stirring for a further 5 minutes, add the vegetable and tomato sauce (Ragu) or passata (Italian tomato sauce) 
10.  After another 5 minutes, serve hot.

Hot Topic of The Day - Boy In Bear-Infested Woods (Source: the guardian newspaper)

Five days have passed since 7 year old Yamato Tanooka went missing early last Saturday evening.  His parents abandoned him in the forested region of Hokkaido, the Northern most main island of Japan. Last seen wearing at-shirt and jeans, the boy was reportedly left with no food or water. TV networks are running frequent updates at the scene, whilst outrage has been sparked on social media, with the public heavily criticising the behaviour of the boy's parents.

Image sourced from The Guardian website

180 police officers and firefighters are searching the bear-inhabited mountain forest. Concerns were raised for the child's well-being yesterday as fresh bear faeces were found in the local area by search teams, prompting two hunters to join the search.

Parents told reporters that Yamoto went missing whilst the family were on a day-trip, picking edible plants in forest park. It was revealed later that this was, in fact, an act of discipline. After interviewing the parents, the police quote that the boy was left intentionally as punishment for throwing stones at people and cars earlier that day. He was supposedly ordered out of the car on the way back home, after which his parents continued to drive a further 50 metres away. With the intention to collect him, his father returned to the scene 5 minutes later, but Yamoto was nowhere to be found. 

When trying to predict where Yamoto had headed, there was difficulty in predicting which direction he headed in or how far he had already traveled. Local fire department rescuer Satoshi Saito stated "We just have too little information on how the boy would have acted after being left alone". Thick forest flanks both sides of the road and slopes on the North side of  Mount Komagatake are at an altitude of 1,131 metres/ 3,710 feet. Saito states that as long as the child had not begun climbing up the peak, a main road should have been reached within 2-3km walking in any other direction.

The boy's Father, Takayuki, 44, stated "I feel very sorry for my son. I am so sorry for causing trouble for so many people." 

Nippon TV reports that the search area has been widened by police, with sniffer dogs and horses exploring deeper into thick woodland. The police are considering the possibility of filing neglect charges against Yamoto's parents. Many Japanese social media users are outraged by their intent to discipline the 7 year old child. It is not understood by the public why parents would abandon their own child in a bear - infested and remote forest. 

On Sunday night heavy rain and dipping temperatures of 7C / 45F were reported in the area where Yamoto went missing.

Mitsuru Wakayama, spokesman for the local town Nanae, commented "Not many people or cars pass by and it gets totally dark as there are no lights". The area is not frequented - on occasion locals pass through using the mountain area as a shortcut. 

Source

newspaper article available online at...

http://www.theguardian.com/world/2016/may/31/hunt-japanese-boy-yamato-tanooka-forest-punishment-parents-critcised

Joy Vs. Happiness (Source: Psychologies Magazine)

When striving for the ultimate goal of life-long happiness, it can be confusing as to how we define the term 'happy'. It's different for every one of us - to some, studying and being in education makes us happy - we are getting smarter and enjoy learning - to others, this is the dullest thing in the world. In the Psychologies Magazine (info sourced from the online version) it is debated whether experiencing joy is relevant to being happy.

It is stated in the article that whilst joy and happiness are wonderful emotions to experience, they are completely different in nature. They advise that joy is a more consistent feeling, as in created within oneself. Happiness is something triggered when we experience something - may this be through seeing friends, visiting places, developing certain thoughts or witnessing events.

Joy
- More consistent and constant
- Can be self-created and maintained
- Made when being at peace with yourself
- Not linked with external factors

Happiness
- Triggered by external stimuli (people, places, things and thoughts)
- Not based on being comfortable with oneself

Many of us have lost touch with ourselves and therefore the feeling of joy - it is a hard goal to reach and takes effort and commitment. Instead of striving for joy, the writer states that we have become lazy and fill this emotional void with harmful behaviours, such as drinking, taking drugs and eating addictive foods. Fleeting moments of happiness can be found in every day experiences, such as watching a favourite TV show. This is helpful to our psyche but does not have the same benefits as experiencing 'true happiness', which takes time to cultivate.

To increase the joy you experience, try the following:

1. Meditate to quieten your mind
2. Reduce time spent on social media
3. Keep a gratitude journal

1. Meditation can remind us to listen to our hearts and not just our brains.  Intuiting is just as important as logical thinking. Slowing down your thoughts allows more control over your brain and allows you to realise what brings you true joy.
2. It's easy to get carried away with what we are told to wear, eat, think and do. Limiting the time spent looking at social media allows you to stop basing you ideals on what the media tells you, or what your friends think.
3. Write down anything which you are grateful for. This will help you grow as a person and become stronger within yourself. Try to write down 10 things each day, and include anything you like. After a few days of this, you might be able to notice a running theme - take note of this and work things into your day which bring you joy. This practice helps us become more appreciative, more trusting and develops higher self esteem.

The last few words of advice are to enjoy the little things in life - we are always in a rush and don't take the time to appreciate what makes us happy or joyful. Stop taking things for granted! Being Mindful is another great thing to practice - it means being aware physically, mentally, and emotionally of the present moment. 

After practicing all the above, joy should become a more constant state of mind instead of a briefly touched-upon moment. This can be produced internally and won't rely so heavily on external factors.

Source
https://www.psychologies.co.uk/joy-vs-happiness

The Food's Hit The Fan

This morning, I got up slightly later than usual - 9am. I thought to myself  'Great! I've got until 1:45 to clean up the house, then off to Baby Group we go!'. My little Mini-Me was still sleeping soundly, so I had time to make a cleaning master plan. After a quick breakfast, I would start with the kitchen and work my way upstairs.

Raspberry yogurt and a glass of cranberry and raspberry juice was all I got through, before realising the bins had not been taken out - again! Rushing to cram the ever-growing pile of nasties into black binbags, I noticed when emptying the upstairs bins that Mini-Me was somewhat groggily waking up.

Now usually, she is a very well-behaved and happy child, so when I picked her up and saw the big smile on her face I naturally thought - ah a pooh present for Mummy! - I should have known better. At almost 6 months, her cheeky attitude is coming into play. I was relieved to find only a wet nappy, but was in no way prepared for the ensuing mayhem soon to follow this small blessing. (Yes, little one, save all the poop for later when you greet Daddy! I thought smugly.)

It was all going well - CBeebies was entertaining her whilst I set up the highchair and prepared a little dish of solids (from handy squeezy packs bought at the supermarket) and placed her tiny spoon tastefully to one side in the dish. With a clean bum and fresh bib on, she was ready for fine dining. We got about half way though her tiny gourmet meal before I came to realise something was wrong. In my carefree way I had placed almost all the contents of the food pouch into the bowl, thinking she was getting hungrier by the day and would appreciate this.

Not so much.

What my Mini-Me did appreciate was the small expanse of kitchen that, in her view, was much in need of decorating. After giving her a second to play with the spoon, in an attempt to help her learn to feed herself, the bowl had slid just out of my reach. With one sudden movement, my daughter had flipped the bowl up and past her, flying dramatically through the air to land with a loud SPLAT behind her - the most unreachable corner of the kitchen.

To my dismay, my little almost 6-month daughter had not only plastered the floor with goop, but the door. She had skillfully managed to send the splatter across the whole length of our kitchen - wall to wall. (There was none on the actual walls, thank goodness.) I am proud to say I did not react at first, not until the goop was sticking to the underside of my feet, forbidding me from getting the much-needed wipes from the beige-carpeted living room. Luckily, I had recently bought some very high grade kitchen paper - so it was all good and I began my mission with this. The floor was restored to its original colour and the door looked more like a door again, and less a modern piece of food-art.

The next task was to make up her morning bottle. Whilst the kettle was boiling, I wiped up my little one as best I could. She somehow managed to keep herself relatively clean (although the kitchen most certainly wasn't- she had made sure of that!). It was a quick job, and about 15 minutes later she was happily drinking luke-warm milk in the living room.

Walking back into the kitchen, I realised the magnitude of the task ahead of me. There is no guarantee she will nap for long in the day, so as soon as I could I knew I must get on with cleaning up, and give the floor a proper mop. There was still the pile of washing up I had to get through, clothes had been left on the clotheshorse and I still had to make myself a decent breakfast. I saw the mess and the sticky floor and thought to myself  'Oh well...

I have to clean up the house anyway.'